(WARNING: If you do not like or appreciate sarcasm avoid reading this post.)
Somewhere in the United States there is a large database containing all the names, addresses, telephone numbers, emails, and twitter accounts of all American evangelical Christians. I don’t know exactly where this database is kept. I have a hunch it is either buried deep inside Area 51, or in a secret warehouse in Nashville that fronts as a recording studio.
The purpose of this database is to periodically contact everyone on the list to tell them how to dress, what to think, how to think, what to like, and what not to like. Also, periodically, the operators of this database send out talking points, complete with lists of products, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amusement parks, stores, and people to boycott. Once every four years a message is dispersed through the database explaining which candidate is deserving of votes. (Most of the time it is a Republican.) All evangelicals are expected to follow the orders on the memo or be publicly humiliated.
For some reason, my name is not in that database. I never get the memos.
The first time I became aware of this database was several years ago. A friend of mine, whose name was on the list, got an email explaining how he was required to see and support the movie, Facing the Giants. If he did not see and support this movie his evangelical membership card would be revoked. In addition, it was explained, when the movie came out on video, he had to purchase a copy for himself, his family, and all his friends. Furthermore, he was instructed to do all within his power to support and pray for the movie to receive an Oscar. If the movie was not nominated for an Oscar, the memo stated, his evangelical duty was to boycott watching the Oscars.
I kid you not!
I didn’t get that memo and to this day I am the only evangelical that has not seen Facing the Giants.
I never get the memos.
If I were fortunate enough to receive the memos I would have known one of the requirements for being an evangelical was to own a small arsenal and join the NRA. But I didn’t and I don’t. I feel so left out.
I did eat at Chick-fil-A on August 1st. That’s got to count for something. I can’t remember the last time I purchased anything from Home Depot. I recently purchased a refrigerator from Lowe’s. I hope that was ok. I’m really not into crafts so there is no need to shop at Hobby Lobby. But I guess if I were, I would.
I wish I did get the memos. I’m a pastor. My wardrobe is old and dull. I need help. I don’t know where to shop for those cool looking jeans and shirts I see other cool pastors wearing. I buy my jeans from Tractor Supply. I’m not sure if that is good or bad. I recently grew a goatee but didn’t keep it long. Someone accused me of trying to be like a pastor down the street, so I shaved it.
Was that wrong?
Send me a pm if it was and I will apologize via twitter.
Apparently last week another memo went out. As usual, I didn’t get it.
How do you get your name on that list anyway?
The latest memo called all evangelicals to tune into the History Channel’s new miniseries called, The Bible. Apparently it worked. The Bible attracted over 13 million viewers. Imagine that! There are now 13 million Christians who no longer attend Sunday evening church services.
I was 1 of the 13 million viewers. I also don’t attend Sunday evening services.
I’m just glad the The Bible did not premiere during the NFL Playoffs. I mean, geez, “I’ve been waiting all day for Sunday night.”
Overall I thought The Bible was pretty good. There is no way someone can summarize the Bible in a 10 hour miniseries, no matter how epic. So, obviously, things will be skipped and left out. But overall, I think the TV show moved along at a good pace and stayed true to the Original. I am looking forward to see how the series depicts Jesus and His crucifixion and resurrection. If I were a television critic, I would give the show 2 thumbs up and 4 out of 5 stars. I enjoyed it so much that I’m thinking about purchasing the complete DVD set, along with study guides, to use at church. I think The Bible can be a really good tool for discussions.
However, even though I watched it and enjoyed it and recommend it, I did find certain aspects of the production humorous; the Ninjas of Sodom and the weak looking lamb instead of a ram with horns caught in the thicket when Abraham was being tested, just to mention 2. I also laughed at the Nile River turning into cherry kool-aid while Pharaoh did the back-stroke. I am glad they didn’t try to use special effects to mimic the other 9 plagues. There is no way special effects can compete with the power of God.
Well, apparently a memo went out that said no true evangelical will criticize or make fun of any part of The Bible. The proper thing for all evangelicals is to totally endorse and support The Bible as the greatest show in the history of television.
I didn’t get that memo.
I apologize for my lack of knowledge. But in my defense, I didn’t get the memo.
I really need to get my name in that database.
Thinking for myself is hard work; forming my own opinion is time consuming.
Something totally unexpected is happening.
Could it be?
Has my name finally be added to the database?
I am getting a memo as I type this post.
I can’t believe it.
It’s coming directly from one of the producers of The Bible, Roma Downey. It’s a tweet and it says, “The #1 cable show of the year is
#TheBible – & its all b/c of viewers like you! Let’s keep it up this Sunday at 8/7c on @History!”
I was wondering what I was going to do this Sunday evening.
Now I know.
It’s my evangelical duty to watch again this week.
I don’t want my name to be removed from the list.
Make sure to tune in.
And maybe next week we will get another memo telling us how much we liked it.