Just a Little Fun on a Saturday Morning

Summer is just around the corner. Chances are you will be dragged to picnics, pool parties, weddings, family reunions, and other things you would rather not attend. But it’s summer and you are expected to come out of hibernation and socialize. Some of the events you have to attend will be boring and you will be surrounded by people you don’t like, or who get on your nerves, or who are just downright strange. Many of those people will be “conservatives.” They will also be Christians. So, to keep things interesting, and to help time quickly pass, here are some things you can say that’s sure to get a reaction. You don’t necessarily have to believe these things, just say them with forged conviction and have fun. Not only am I going to tell you what to say, I am going to tell you what to expect in terms of a reply. You can thank me later:

You: “You know, I think those occupiers make some good points.”

(Warning: After you make this statement, as well as the statement to follow, make sure you take a couple of steps away, and cover your hamburger with a napkin to protect it, and you, from collateral damage caused by flying saliva.)

Response: “Oh no! Don’t tell me you have bought into all the lies that the left-wing, socialist media has been telling you. Haven’t you heard of all…” (at this point you will hear about all the violence and crime and rapes and unsanitary conditions that have taken place during all the protests; of course none of those things have anything to do with your original statement.)

You: “The other day, during my quiet time, I was reading Acts 2. When I came to verse 44, I could not help but think, ‘That sounds like redistribution of wealth,’ maybe that’s not such a bad idea after all.”

(Don’t forget to back up and place a napkin over your food.)

Response: “What! You’ve got to be kidding me. What are you a Marxists? Don’t tell me you have bought into all the lies that the left-wing, socialist media has been telling you…(by this time you should see a theme start to develop.)

You: “I think Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were right…”(you will never finish this sentence before being asked to leave the premises; make sure to take your hamburger with you.)

You: (memorize the following quote and share it) – I recently heard the following quote and want to know what you think. It goes like this, ‘Experience praises the most happy the one who made the most people happy.’ What do you think that means?”

Response: Chances are they will like this quote. Eventually they will ask you who said it. At this point reveal that the source of the quote is Karl Marx. Step back and place a napkin over your food.

You: “I’m just not sure I can vote for a president who is a practicing Mormon.”

Response:  “We are voting for a Commander-in-Chief, not a Pastor-in-Chief. The religion of the candidate should not matter.”

You: “Oh, I see, so I should overlook Romney’s Mormon faith, but not believe Obama’s confession to be Christian and scare everyone into believing he is a Muslim, even though he has continually denied being one.”

Response: “Don’t tell me you have bought into all the lies that the left-wing, socialist media has been telling you…”

You: “I think the we, as a nation, should be doing more, not less, to help the poor.”

Response: “No where in the Bible does God instruct the government to take from those who have and give it to those who do not have. Charity is the individual’s responsibility, not governments. Give me one Scripture where God commands to take everything a person has to give to someone else?” (Don’t fall for this trap of a question. When you start pointing out what the Bible really does say about these issues you will get the following response, you should know it by now, Don’t tell me you have bought into all the lies that the left-wing, socialist media has been telling you…”)

You: “I think this November I am going to vote for a third party candidate.”

Response: “Then all you will be doing is giving President Obama four more years and our country can’t take four more years. We are doomed if he wins reelection. He is going to get rid of the Constitution and make us all follow Sharia Law. He is going to become a dictator. Our lives will be over. We will be known as the United States of Ameristan. There will be no more cable television, or Monday Night Football. Our cars will run on algae. Rush Limbaugh will be put in prison and Rachel Maddow will be the Secretary of Defense. He will take away all our guns, even water pistols. Our children will be forced to eat peas. Life, as we know it, will cease to exist. He is the anti-christ. If you vote third-party and not vote like I am voting it will all be your fault; and the worse part is, you will not be invited to next year’s summer party.”

You: “Yea, but according to the Mayans, the world is coming to an end on December 21st anyway. That is, if the Martians don’t invade first.”

Response: Don’t tell me you have bought into all the lies that the left-wing, socialist media has been telling you…”

By this time it should be late enough in the evening where it will be appropriate to say you have to get home and get to bed early because tomorrow is Sunday and you are a pastor and Sunday is the only day of the week you work.


You are welcome!


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